3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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