i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
