I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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