I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
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can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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