smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
