So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
