If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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