My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
