I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
