When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
3 2 1 whiskey
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
