Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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