I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
