Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
