I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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