Swine flu. Run for my life!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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