I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
