i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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