I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
