come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
