we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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