While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
