glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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