it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
