Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
