Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
