My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and she was petting her beer can
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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