Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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