Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
