double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
