We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
