A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the room spins SO much faster in panama
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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