Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
