I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
