I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
