I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
