This is not my ceiling
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
this is an emotional support booty call
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
