Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
