it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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