in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
