You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
