I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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