That's when you crack a 10am beer
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
