My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
