When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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