He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
