I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
