You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
