he wants to bone in the snuggie
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
