If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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