Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
two words...techno handjob
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
