It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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