I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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