Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
