omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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