THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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