what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
