My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
