omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
